Communication can be subtle and complicated. Anyone can talk but not everyone knows how to communicate. Communication is different from talking. Talking is focused on expressing yourself. Communication is more about information exchange. When it comes to exchange, it involves another party. People are emotion animals. In difficult conversations, emotions get in the way. Once the listening channel is blocked, two-way communications become two one-way self-expressions. That’s why nonviolent communication is an important skill. It enables a more effective communication.
This book gives you the NV(nonviolent communication) tools to better connect with people and make information flow smoothly again. It is useful not only for workplace interaction but also for intimate relationship. The four key steps are observations, feelings, needs, requests.
Observation requires people to read the situation objectively. It is not easy because sometimes it’s hard for people to differentiate their judgement from facts. Therefore, when they make a remark on the situation, they pollute the facts with subjective bias. If you cannot even make an objective observation, others would think you are unfair. This is never a good way to start a conversation.
Understanding other people’s feelings is the next critical step for effective communication. Again, humans are emotion animals. A lot of times we think we are talking about things but we are actually talking about our feelings. If the other person is emotionally resistant against you, they will simply disagree with anything you say. Therefore, you need to let them know you hear them emotionally. Humans crave to be understood.
The following step is to interpret needs behind the feelings. Feelings are often married to certain needs. Any negative emotion is often triggered by an unmet need. Sometimes the need is obvious but sometimes it’s hidden. Even the person himself probably doesn’t know what he needs. Need makes people feel vulnerable because they are asking for something. There is a chance of receiving rejections. Therefore, revealing needs requires a higher level of trust that has been built in the previous steps. Once closeness is established, you should carefully dig into their inner world to decode their needs. For example, women like showing disappointment to men without telling them what goes wrong. Men often get caught up in the emotional tension and forget to make a connection to the needs behind the upset face.
Last but not the least, it’s imperative to make an explicit request to the other person. It’s better to start with a positive action word so other people would know exactly what you want them to do. Often times we are so self-absorbed that we don’t realize that our requirements are not obvious at all. Yet we still get frustrated when they take an undesired action. Making your frustration obvious doesn’t equal to making your request clear. You should take a step further to make a clear requirement for the sake of your own happiness. Don’t say ‘I don’t want you to xxx’ because the opposite of not doing something still can mean many different things. Your problem can be avoided if a desired action is clearly demonstrated.
The essence of nonviolent communication is to establish a pragmatic protocol to exchange information with others. On top of all the skills, you should address feelings and build connections first before you jump into the solution.